it’s noon & i’m ready to quit

Woke up to alarm clock screeching at 4:30 AM, but couldn’t get out of bed. Was up until midnight the preceding evening, catching up on Lost season 4. I really need to work on getting into bed by 9 PM.

Arrived to work 13 minutes late. Someone had stolen my chair. Checked e-mails standing up. Riley* asked me to go to our cafe & grab breakfast with her. At the cafe, turmoil & conflict brewed within my weary mind; bagel with cream cheese? egg-white omelet? bagel with cream cheese? egg-white omelet?

Success! I curbed my carby desires, and ordered an egg-white omelet with vegetables. This was consumed alongside 3 pieces of whole wheat toast with two tablespoon PB & 1 tablespoon strawberry jam, 1 maple-filled sandwich cookie, 1 hard coffee candy, 1 cup of chai (black tea & milk). I really could’ve done without some of those things… I know I work in an office where random bits and pieces of junk food come flying at me like tasty little grenades, but I really need to chuck ’em into the trash.  

Next up: get the majority of menial work tasks done. I’ll report back in a few hours; hopefully to say I did them! (Hey, I never said this journal would be exciting).

 

*name changed to protect the innocent

1:26 PM

No exciting update boasting completion of work… but I just need to describe this thing I call a brain fog. I go through the majority of my day with this sensation in my head, that my brain is bobbing around in my head, not really “anchored” down. I feel light-headed, disconnected and simply out-of-it. 

Sometimes when people are talking to me, I feel like they are standing at the end of a very long tunnel… and I’m just trying really hard to feel present in “the moment” with them, but I can’t.  

My thoughts lack clarity and focus, unless I force myself to think about or do something specific; and even then, I succeed for mere minutes at a time. I constantly find myself re-reading lines in books or rewinding segments of television shows — I just can’t focus long enough. My writing might seem effortless, but it’s not… I don’t even want to reveal the amount of time I spend on one entry, making it as clear and concise as possible.

I was just trying to do some work… but then came a brain fog. I had to focus twice as hard at the computer screen, because I just couldn’t really process what I was looking at as a whole – I felt like I could only take in bits and peices of the computer screen (if that makes no sense to you, imagine how it feels for me). This was coupled with an escalating sense of anxiety, that kept rising the further I ignored it. The only way I can usually break the anxiety is by turning away from the task at hand and checking my e-mail or grabbing something to eat. I face this throughout the day, and it’s totally debilitating. I can’t even finish one small task in good time. Imagine how incompetent and stupid I have come to feel. There was a time I felt sharp and smart and clever… now I can’t even finish typing in the details of a receipt for somebody’s expense report.

I’m going to try to finish these tasks right now. I usually just give up after one failed attempt. But I’m just going to keep at it, because it’ll feel really good to update saying I finished them.

My chest is in knots.

11:09 PM

Just looked through Saman’s engagement photos. Can’t believe I missed her party. This is what my life will be like unless I change for the better; sleeping through all the memories I could have made. I want to change so badly, but I’m consumed in paralyzing levels of anxiety and sadness… and I can’t shake these terrible feelings off. They’ve manifested themselves into physical symptoms. I was driving to court the other day to take care of a fix-it ticket issue that I’ve been postponing since October of 2007… all of a sudden, I felt a pain in my chest so incredible, I thought it was the beginning of heart attack. For ten minutes, I sat in my car, grabbing at my chest and gasping for air.  

Today after work I went to the gym… hardest 40 minutes of my day. There was a time not too long ago, that I could run 5 miles just by telling myself I would… today I couldn’t get past 4 minutes on the threadmill without the anxiety building up in my chest, bringing me to a standstill. After the gym, I went to the grocery store to buy the ingredients for lentil soup. Preparing the soup ended up feeling like one long panic attack, standing in the kitchen, chopping, dicing, cooking and cursing. I felt so frustrated with every step of the process; it took all my strength not to give up and walk away. And all I was making was a freaking pot of soup; can you imagine how it would have been if I’d attempted to cook a souffle or something? S c a r y. I know this isn’t about the soup, though. So what is it?

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