a new morning, a new chance

Last night Lillian & I went to downtown LJ, where I told her about my sudden feelings of optimism about everything. This feeling is not new; I’ve experienced these random bouts of positivity quite often. The problem lies in that one moment when I’m suddenly filled with despair, and I allow myself to buckle underneath the weight of it.

This time, I resolve to keep a keen eye out for that moment. When that moment comes, I’ll set up every panic alarm that exists to make sure I don’t submit to it; I’ll call Lillian or Tina or Sandra or Helen, I’ll go to Barnes &  Noble and flip through fashion magazines, I’ll take a walk with my little brother.

It’s going to take some organizing, but I need to rebuild the structure of my life so that I don’t give myself too much space to feel useless and hopeless. Lils and I’ve agreed that we will meet up every weekday at 5 PM for a run at the track or some yoga or study/work time. It’ll be good to see somebody who will almost be like a sponsor to me, during the one hour of the day where negative feelings attack me out of nowhere and lead to some bad behaviors.

This morning, I woke up at 7 AM, drove to UCSD, and ran around the track and up and down the stairs there. It was hard, I was exhausted, I could only do 3 miles (and even that was broken down: 4 laps, break, 4 laps, break, 2 laps, break, 1 lap, break, 1 lap, break). In between each mile and half mile and quarter mile, though, I walked around the track, listened to music, soaked in the sunshine, did stairs, and just generally enjoyed being outside, sweating my heart out, and treating myself to a second chance on a lovely Saturday morning.

6:11 PM

Damn, I was doing so well today.

Then I started experiencing wave after wave of anxiety, and before long a mind fog came over and I went out and bought a McD vanilla soft-serve cone, McD iced coffee (basically ice, coffee and cream), and a huge slice of cake from the grocery store. And ate it all. ALL. I have the worst stomache ache. I’m so mad at myself. I remember driving and thinking “please don’t buy junk. please please please. this is the moment you need to push the panic button and take control of” … but the pull of addictive binge-eating got me. I didn’t even enjoy anything; what the hell am I doing this to myself for?

FUCK. This is getting so annoying. My brain is totally out of whack.

I’m gonna go for another run right now or I’ll go crazy beating myself up about this.

 

8:16 PM

Feel much better now. Went to the gym, did a 15 min run and 30 min cycle. I could feel the sugar and cream rising up in my throat. Yuck. I feel like I sweated out some serious toxins.

And you know what? I can’t wait around for 30 pounds to magically drop off me before seeing my friends. That’s one of the reasons I have too much time to sit around and let my obsessions get to me. I’m taking a shower and heading out to see some people tonight that I haven’t seen in MONTHS! (:

PS: to the four of you who read this blog, sorry if I sound so self-obsessed these days. I promise I’m aware of how selfish I sound… I look forward to the day when I don’t notice myself any more, and take care of my loved ones instead.

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3 Comments »

  1. Helen Said:

    Try to create and finish one more goal that you could feel accomplished about completing. The best way to create a strong will that will guide you through life successfully is to get up and do that which you don’t want to do. Forget about your problems with food–those will resolve themselves over time once you have developed an unbreakable will, insha’Allah. For now, even though it’s the last thing you want to do, create goals and complete them. Don’t ever give yourself an excuse to sit in your room and let your depression engulf you. Though you feel fragile and weak at certain times in your life, you are so much more stronger, resilient and capable. You just have to get up and get into action, insha’Allah.

  2. Sandra Said:

    You didnt write anything for today yet. I am still waiting…….

  3. tina Said:

    meep. i feel like i know you too well to judge you for bouts of self-obsession or other such “undesirable” behaviour. everyone has those periods now and then and it makes my nose tingle to know that despite the occasional marshmallow or almond in the rocky road i will always be there for you and you will always be there for me 🙂 love youuuu miss youuuuu cant wait until our kayaking excursion. woo woo!


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